Raspberry powdered donuts
I saved up my money to by the six-pack box of rpd every couple of weeks during my teens. The sticky, jammy center perfectly complimented the white powdered sugar that got everywhere and it was a science to lick it off my fingers, one at a time. One year, my younger brother, Nathan, sent me some in the mail for my birthday. I don't think Hostess makes them anymore. So even if I could eat gluten, I couldn't eat these.
Offending Ingredients
Probably every single ingredient.
Last time consumed
Age 39, pitifully long ago
Discomfort rating
8/10 raspberry seeds
Phelps bread
My grandfather Phelps made bread at a bakery. His perfected recipe has been the family favorite for three generations. Eating a warm-from-the-oven, buttered slice with butter and fresh honey from his beehives is something I still have dreams about. Now I'd have to watch him eat the bread alone, but I wouldn't mind if it meant I got to sit across the table from him again.
Offending Ingredients
Wheat flour
Last time consumed
2008, at my sister Laurel’s home, where it was sliced super thin and toasted crispy. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.
Discomfort rating
12/10 rounded cups of freshly ground whole wheat flour
Chicken Tikka Masala
My in-laws love Indian food and I tried my hand at making ctm. I did an amazing job and they loved it. I made it for them about twice a month for a year. Once my mil passed away, we moved and I haven't made it since because Indian food is too spicy for my belly.
Offending Ingredients
garlic, cayenne, chili powder, red pepper flakes
Last time consumed
August 2010
Discomfort rating
8/10 garlic cloves
Phyllis's Salsa
Phyllis made the very best salsa with Anaheim peppers she roasted in the oven or over the stove. It was dynamite and I loved to eat it, but it burned my tongue, and a few hours later, I'd get a bellyache. She made a Gringo (less-hot) version so I could enjoy it, too.
Offending Ingredients
Peppers, jalapeños, garlic
Last time consumed
June 2010 in Virginia
Discomfort rating
14/10 perfectly roasted Anaheim peppers
Yogurt cool whip dip
When Joe and I go to family events, we often bring a fruit platter with sliced apples, segmented oranges, kiwis, and strawberries. Carefully placed in the center will be a dip made of cherry yogurt and cool whip mixed well. The real dairy and the fake dairy no longer agree with me, so now I just eat the fruit. (Mostly.)
Offending Ingredients
dairy, hydrogenated oils and hfcs xanthum and guar gums
Last time consumed
probably last year
Discomfort rating
5/10 kiwi slices
Blue cheese
Susan and Doug invited me and my daughter, Alex, to stay the night at their place when we came to town. Doug fixed us a fancy dinner, which started with chicken wings and blue cheese dip. They were soooo good and I helped myself to thirds. Later that night found me doubled over in the bathroom, praying to the blue cheese god for mercy.
Offending Ingredients
dairy, mold (probably), spicy chicken marinade
Last time consumed
2008 during a dinner party
Discomfort rating
10/10 toilet bowls
Lilia’s jerk chicken
Lilia invited us to a block party. We took the kids and everyone ate the delicious jerk chicken. Everyone loved it and murmured how delicious it was in between bites. Only one of us (me) needed an emergency bathroom stop at a big-box store about an hour later where a stall was wrecked and crying commenced and no one was happy because mom wasn't happy. (That's a lie. No one cared I was sad because they got to buy a video game.)
Offending Ingredients
habanero chiles with seeds, garlic, nutmeg (makes my mouth itchy)
Last time consumed
When I had only 3 of my 7 tattoos.
Discomfort rating
14/10 chickens (that I heard are jerks.) (sorry.)
Homemade cheese sauce
Joe says he first fell in love with me when we were dating and I made a cheese sauce from scratch using no measuring cups and only what he had on hand. This seemed amazing to him considering he's a person who measures the water when making instant ramen per the package instructions.
Offending Ingredients
flour, milk, shredded cheese, plus the noodles you put the cheese sauce on, not shown
Last time consumed
On my birthday when I turned 44 because I’m a glutton for punishment.
Discomfort rating
7/10 shell noodles
Fresh raw onion on sandwich
When I was eight, my sister, Natalie, made herself a chicken salad sandwich and placed a thin slice of onion on top. She let me have a bite and I liked it so much she made me one, too. The next day I made my own, trying to copy her, but I cut the onion much thicker. I spent the next 24 hours with a bellyache, face-melting farts, and terrible breath.
Offending Ingredients
raw alliums, Phelps bread
Last time consumed
1979
Discomfort rating
10/10 thick onion slices
BBQ liquid smoke ketchup
I spent two days perfecting my own BBQ sauce because I hated every BBQ sauce I had ever tasted. My daughter's boyfriend tasted it and complimented me on my delicious... ketchup. We realized that BBQ sauce was really just ketchup with added liquid smoke, which was the taste I hated. Therefore, I remain a person who doesn't like BBQ sauce.
Offending Ingredients
Theory: ketchup + liquid smoke = BBQ sauce. Discuss.
Last time consumed
2013
Discomfort rating
10/10 tomatoes
Tomato sandwiches
We used 1/2 of our back property to grow and sell lugs of tomatoes. Sam and I had to keep the green horned worms off. Those tomatoes are still the best I've ever tasted and they made the best open-faced tomato sandwiches.
Recipe
One slice of Phelps bread, thick shmear of mayo, thick slice of juicy tomato, top with salt and pepper. When the juice mixes with the mayo = heaven.
Offending Ingredients
Gluten in the Phelps bread
Last time consumed
I haven’t had a delicious tomato since 1983
Discomfort rating
6/10 green horned worms
Cornbread
Here’s a secret about me - I don’t care about regular sugar, like at all. What I love are breads and near the top of that bread list is CORNBREAD. COOOOORNBREAD. I wanna eat it all the time. I wanna kiss it and marry it. Sadly, corn is a grain, not a vegetable and I can’t digest it (or any other type of grain) because of some stupid genetic defect or whatever. AAARRGG When will I learn to stop eating it?
Offending Ingredients
Gluten, corn
Last time consumed
tonight
Discomfort rating
9/10 ears of corn
Eggs w/ green chilis
On Sundays, Dad would make breakfast for dinner. Soft scrambled eggs with a little cheese and diced mild green chilies from a can mixed in. He’d put an extra dollop of the chilies on his plate because he really loved them. He doesn’t remember that he loved green chilis anymore and he can’t cook. Dementia is terrible.
Offending Ingredients
None. They were all delicious.
Last time consumed
When I brought my kids home for a visit sometime in the 90s.
Discomfort rating
Sadness rating: 1735/10 tears
Onion rings and cheese sticks
All of the kids as teens loved fried foods, favorites being onion rings and mozzarella cheese sticks. I loved sneaking a few minutes here and there one-on-one and sitting in a booth listening to stories from their day.
Offending Ingredients
Vegetable oil, breaded crusts
Last time consumed
Probably last week, but I should know better.
Discomfort rating
5/10 onion rings that are only a little bloated ok and the joint pain won’t set in for a few hours
Cold Cheddar Pickle Butter Sandwiches
Every summer we drove to see my grandparents in Arizona. Mom would set the counter up to make twelve sandwiches (one for each person plus two extra just in case).
Recipe
two slices of Phelps bread, one buttered with pickle slices, one with mayo and a slice of cheddar cheese. Carefully turn the latter over onto the former and cut diagonally. Place in baggie and fold over, then tuck in top flap. Options: Can also place slices of lunch meat over cheese if desired.
Offending Ingredients
Pretty much everything
Last time consumed
1987
Discomfort rating
8/10 pickle slices if I tried to eat it now
Lipton’s Chicken noodle soup
When I was sick, and I was sick a lot, Mom would make me Lipton’s Chicken noodle soup from the red box. Inside where two foiled-lined packets containing tiny, hard noodles nestled in a bunch of flavored powder, dotted with occasional itty bits of “chicken.” Nothing tasted as good as that instant noodle soup made by Mom.
Offending Ingredients
Oh, I have no idea what that soup was really made from. Probably texturized protein-ish food stuffs and MSG?
Last time consumed
Sometime in the 80s but talking about it has made my mouth water and I might need to go get some brb
Discomfort rating
6/10 perfectly buttered saltine crackers to go with my soup
Credits
The idea for this zine comes from the decade and a half Joe and Leoh (née Leah) were married.
The words and the drawings and sensitive stomach belong to Leoh.
The cover and programming and whatnot are by Joe.
Thanks for reading.
Leoh
Leoh Blooms is a mentor, health advocate, artist, and writer. Find out more about them/him at leohblooms.com.
Joe
Joe Crawford makes websites and sometimes comics. Find out more about him at artlung.com.
© 2017-2025 Leoh Blooms and Joe Crawford